Becoming a mother is full of joy, but it can also be full of frustration, anger, boredom, and anxiety. Talk to someone who has been there, and who is also a professional philosopher. I will help you sort out the confusion around motherhood, so that you can create an identity as a mother that feels integrated, powerful, and whole.
Moms groups are great, but they are usually devoted to sharing advice on how to get your baby to sleep or when to start solid foods. When I became a mother, I wanted someone who could understand me not just as a caretaker, but as an intellectual person, as well as a physical and emotional one. I wanted someone who would help me integrate my old, pre-baby self with the new mother self. I wanted someone who would help me think through this massive life change.
We're so often expected to say that motherhood is wonderful, natural, and easy. But the truth is that it can be a mess. I don't shy away from the more difficult realities of motherhood, and if you've felt any of the following, I can help:
- Grieving a pregnancy, birth, or breastfeeding that didn't go how you had hoped or planned
- Missing your pre-child life and sense of self
- Feelings of failing at being a "good mother"
- Confused about conflicting parenting advice
- Guilt about returning to work, or about staying home
- Feeling like your work as mother is not taken seriously
- Loss of connection and intimacy with your partner
- Feeling uncomfortable in your post-baby body
- Trying to understand yourself as both a mother and sexual being
- Growing apart from friends who don't have kids
- A shifting relationship with your own mother
- Trying to understand what it means to create a human
- Regrets or doubts about having children
Whether you have a two-month-old or a twelve-year-old (and five other kids), I will treat you like the fully intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical human that you are, so that you can feel like a more centered and confident mother. Let's get started.
My Motherhood Story
Before my daughter was born, I was a young professional, with a Ph.D. in philosophy and a wonderful teaching career, living in New York City. I was in control of my life. I ate well, did yoga, meditated, went out with friends. But as we were about to start a family, my partner and I wanted a more relaxed pace and lifestyle, so we moved to Portland, OR when I was five months pregnant. We were excited about starting our new life.
I wanted an intervention-free "natural" childbirth. I imagined soaking in a tub and squatting, pushing my child out in a euphoric hormonal connection with the primal goddess within. Instead, I ended up with a birth that involved nearly every medical intervention available. I felt angry and disappointed, and I had to grieve the loss of my ideal image of childbirth. I've published more of that story in a piece called "No Birth Plan Ever Survives Contact with the Enemy".
From there, things got worse. The first two months with the new baby were a blur of sleeplessness and exhaustion, but I was doing ok, or so I thought. But when my daughter was about two and a half months old, I started down a cycle of insomnia and anxiety that was so severe that I started having panic attacks, delusional thoughts, and I could no longer tell what was real and what wasn't. I was hospitalized in a mental health facility for four days with postpartum psychosis. I've published more of that story in my piece "White Noise." You can also watch a video of me reading that piece.
With lots of therapy, support from loved ones, medication, and time, I was able to start feeling like myself again. Or rather, like a new version of myself--a better one, who understood my life and my mind in a whole new way, who had gone through darkness and come out on the other side. I felt whole again.
Since then, I have talked to so many mothers all over the country about their experience of motherhood—and how it isn't everything they had expected or hoped it would be. Too many of these women feel shame, guilt, and loneliness about these experiences, as if they are not living up to the ideal of motherhood, and they suffer quietly. Every journey of motherhood is unique, and as I go through mine, I wan to be a support, a safe space, a listening ear, and a fellow traveler. I would be honored if you share your journey with me.